DATE WITH THE DEVIL
(Satan by Gustave Dore)
I monumentally screwed up with the exorcism, and everyone hates me. If you want, you can hate me too.
I have no idea how, but I’m going to change my life for good.
Unfortunately, you come here so I can tell you how I’m kicking-itbig time in NYC, but I can’t tell you about what happened over the weekend.
That’s because I took my lady friend(LF) on a date to see the Devil.
I knew I couldn’t do the whole exorcism thing without her . . . so I didn’t tell her the real reason we were going to visit my friend Jose.
All I can say is that it didn’t occur to me what I did was wrong until she pointed it out.
Of course the pizza and Chinese delivery guys(aka num and nuts) followed us, but that’s their fault not mine.
(Spooky house – uncredited)
The house we went to in Marine Park for the exorcism was whacked out. The people with the ghost live in the 2nd floor apartment. My friend Jose lives in the first. I don’t know who lives in the basement, and don’t even ask me about the attic.
Somehow my LF knew right away what was going on, and she said, “Baldie . . . ?”
Her mouth opened in a circle, and her face went blank.
And of course num and nuts who wouldn’t notice a tidal wave, see her expression and their eyes get all beady, and they start making whiney noises just to let her know they are also flustered.
So I tell my LF–
“Me and Scrappy D are going upstairs, you don’t have to. You can stay with Jose.”
(Scrappy Doodles – Photo by Bald Punk)
She ignored me and went on up ahead on me. I was kinda relieved because I’m terrified of ghosts.
And my only plan was to throw holy water at the ghost and slam dance like a nut. I was also gonna call out “Ghost Crushers!” again and again. I have no idea what that would do, but I think it would have sounded cool.
My LF knows–
She watches Paranormal State and Ghost Hunters and knows about how to get rid of evil spirits.
My eyes go bonkers when I watch those shows. Plus they keep me wondering if there are ghosts in my apartment, which as we now know there are.
Up at the top of the stairs the guy’s wife opens the door. Her name sounded like “Velveeta,” and his was something like “Chee.” That was nice because it had me thinking about snacks.
If that wasn’t good enough, Velveeta takes one look at my bald head and then at my gut, and opens the fridge and hands me a beer.
Her husband didn’t seem too happy about it, but I didn’t care.
I took two more for num and nuts even though they only drink bay breezes(They are mmmm, good!) because my LF does. Thankfully, she doesn’t like wine coolers; could you imagine me going to a party to kick-it big time with my mofos, and bringing two guys who drink that crap—
Back to the EXORCISM!!!
They had votive candles burning, pictures of saints, statutes of holy people, and I swear to god they had so many crosses it was like a cemetery. I felt guilty for every sin I may or may not have committed.
I slugged down a full beer and that helped a little. But I swear something rubbed my arm.
All of a sudden, I could hear that whacked out music from The Exorcism.
Thinking maybe we could split, I said, “I don’t see any ghosts so far.”
“It’s a demon, not a ghost,” Velveeta says, leaning close to me so as to make her point.
I popped another beer, and was looking around at all the saints, crosses, and votive candles that they lit up and was really thinking about bolting.
The room seemed to be closing in. It was the scariest thing ever. Num and nuts had to feel it too because they huddled up right behind my LF.
And then Chee says, “The Devil is here.”
That was the cue to split, but my LF went right to work blessing each room, and repeating prayers.
“I bless this house in the name of God . . . I banish all evil spirits in the name of Jesus . . .”
Soon we were all saying the prayers and making the sign of the cross. While it was going on, we couldn’t stop because there were shadows moving around in the well-lit rooms.
Their kid that was possessed was named Alexa. She was about five years old and cute as could be.
When we turned the light on, she seemed more afraid than possessed, but my LF and Velveeta blessed her over and over.
“May the blessing of Almighty God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit descend upon . . .”
Then we went around and blessed the place some more. It seemed like there was less tension in the apartment.
I felt so much better. I saw Chee had a gold tooth because he was smiling, and his wife Velveeta was hugging the crap out of us.
It was all good after that even though my LF wouldn’t take the $500 bucks for the exorcism.
Bye for now,
P.S. I just thought of the perfect Penance. For a week, I will root for the METS. Now that would be a tortuous week, especially how they’re playing!
Here are all the posts in this series: Episode Twelve – June 2009 (Ghost Crushers!)