Banned from the UK!!!

June 6, 2009 by Bald Punk
Filed under Fiction, Scrappy Doodles, Stories

Hi all,

First let me say that I can’t talk about the rat in my apartment. It’s bad. My lady friend brought this thing home. Her friend didn’t want it. She has kids and didn’t know rugrats and wild animals don’t mix.

I got bigger problems right now, though just want to mention–you know how the Chinese guy I live with never says a word, now he won’t shut up. Him and the other knucklehead keep howling at the thing and chasing it around the apartment. When it circles near me I have evil thoughts. I’m only saying that because I’m always honest with you. It’s wild!

(Photo by Bald Punk)

I’ll get back to the rat in my next post—

Okay, so you heard about the entire UK boycotting BaldPunk.com. I am totally stunned. But I’m not one to take things sitting down.

The only reason I can think of is because some of my whacky political posts. Maybe their Internet computers lumped me in with right-wing talk show host, Michael Savage. He’s been banned from entering the UK. Maybe the U.K. is blocking my url?

I don’t really know what’s going on there. I don’t think Brit PM Gordon Brown or Home Secretary Jacqui Smith who started this whole Savage ban, do either. Both of them are also in trouble over abusing their expense accounts.

But politically speaking, I dislike the Republicans just as much as the Democrats. They are all crooked shits. And I’m no fan of Obama because he’s the mirror image of George Bush. Like all politicians both of them put party politics and cronyism ahead of the people.

And when it comes to spending the people’s money, Lord knows Bush couldn’t burn through it fast enough. Now there’s no money left so Obama is printing the stuff up. He’s giving a new meaning to “money for nothing.”

The only politician that I really like is NYC Mayor, Mike Bloomberg, and that’s just because we’re good friends. That reminds me, I’ve been meaning to tell you about the time I went to dinner with him.

Remember my friend from high school who I went to see swim-like-a-nut in frigid Coney Island on New Year’s Day? You do, good. Well, last year he invited me to dinner to meet the Mayor. We were in a big room with lots of other mofos and my table was right next to the Mayor’s.

Just before dinner Mike comes up to me, probably thought I was a big shot because I looked so good in a suit. He shook my hand and introduced himself. I told him he was the best Mayor ever, and that he should read comics on the radio just like Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia used to do, and that would make everyone love him. He laughed, and because he was such a nice guy, he went around and shook the hands of every other mofo in the room. What a guy!

Mikey’s one quirk is that he puts salt on his salad, and lots of it. I was staring right at him and it was salt, not pepper, I’m pretty sure.

Btw, if you’re thinking about writing a blog, don’t do what I do. My posts run on and on. And I can’t help myself. I have like a million thoughts in my head. It’s probably why I can never get a decent job, and why the UK banned me. I can’t focus on any one thing, that is, unless it’s fun or tastes good. Then I hyper focus like a dog ready to rip into raw meat.

Right now the pizza guy and my lady went out and it’s just me and the Chinese delivery guy here. The wild animal is sleeping thank god.

I almost wish I knew the Chinese delivery guy’s name so I could tell you. He comes home after working like nineteen hours straight and has nothing to say. But he looks at me and I swear to god he wants me to speak for him. That’s crazy, right? Forget that thought.

What the hell is the point here??? OH!!! I’m banned in the UK, right. No, no quite banned, the thing is that they are not luvin’ them sum Baldie . . .

You know, it really bothers me that I’m not getting hits from my brothers from another mother over there. I love you limey bastards. You gave America The Beatles, Stones, Smiths, Clash, U2, and of course, The Sex Pistols. (Sorry for lumping Ireland in with the UK)

So here’s my offer that the UK cannot refuse, which I mentioned in the previous post. (I’ll speed it up! Sorry.)

I’m going to reel the UK in with an historical fiction novel I wrote. At least a few chapters should do it.

I wrote the book many years ago. Oh, I almost forgot the best part! The novel is about Henry VIII and Elizabeth I. Sounds good, huh! They’re sure to love it.

I’m gonna dig that novel up over the weekend and post a few chapters. First I have to find some cool artwork.

So let the love affair begin!

Your friend,

Baldie

P.S. Please, please, please, UK, love yourself sum Baldie.

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Here are all the posts in this series: Episode Nine - June 2009 (Banned in the UK/Ratdog/THE VIRGIN KING)

Bald Punk Gets No Love From UK

I’m Waiting To BE Surprised(+ message to UK)!!!

I have a RAT in my apartment!

Banned from the UK!!!

Fiction Post