Monday, July 4, 2022

Starry-Eyed Bald Punk

May 5, 2009 by  
Filed under Stories

So as you know num and nuts(the pizza and Chinese delivery guys) came to MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) with my lady friend and I. And I just had a bad feeling. I mean, you had to see the time we all went to FAO Schwartz–it’s a ritzy toy store by Central Park. They were worse than kids. Touching and playing with shit, though unlike little kids–I couldn’t smack the bastards. I swear, it was like we were at Coney Island. It was WHACKED! Especially because they are grown men.


(Bear ouside FAO Schwartz Toy Store – uncredited)

But if I’m being honest, it was kinda weird when we left the toy store. It was like they were emasculated. They so wanted to go home with toys. It made me sad. (I have to stop saying that! The word “sad,” that is. I’m thinking it ’cause the goddamn rain won’t stop. It’s been coming down since Friday.)

Okay. MOMA!

Hey, you know if I was going to be an ARTteeste! – my first exhibit is going to be one of num and nuts. I’ll call it: “Cracked-out Pizza and Chinese Delivery Guys.”

My lady friend just sat down next to me and wants to know why I’m smiling. She’s reading . . . now she’s digging her nails into my bald dome, and it feels guud! I got my freak on–

Okay, before I completely lose my thought process, let me get right to what HAPPENED at MOMA. The shit went down as we came to Van Gogh’s Starry Night. The pic kinda snuck up on me. I was so not ready to see it.

Now, I’m not an art nut, nor am I a huge Van Gogh fan, but when I saw Starry Night, I kinda went a little weak in the knees. It was so not punk rock of me. I’m not gonna lie to you: I was vulnerable. I wasn’t el muchacho! I was AWESTRUCK. I admit it.

And then what do I see but the Chinese delivery guy walking right up to touch the darn thing. He musta thought it was FAO Schwartz-time.

Now I look at the security guard who is standing right by Starry Night, and he looks like he just shit himself. I kid you not. He’s toast. He’s not moving.

So I jump back into my punk rock skin and spring into action. I’m all over the Chinese dude like it’s playtime at Neverland Ranch. And maybe, just maybe, I yanked his arm a little too hard. Maybe I used the “F” word. But it was STARRY NIGHT for christ sakes!

Now you know what happened next. My lady friend turns and all she sees is me tackling the Chinese dude. Then everyone is looking at Baldie. Baldie’s the cretin. Baldie’s Michael Jackson. But Baldie just saved STARRY NIGHT!!!

Nuf said.

Without further ado, STARRY NIGHT, brought to you by me.


(Photo by Bald Punk)

Here are all the posts in this series: Fourth Episode – May 2009

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Starry-Eyed Bald Punk

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