Sunday, March 26, 2017

Me and My Lady Friend will have a Huge Problem if there’s an Apocalypse

April 25, 2009 by  
Filed under Stories

tomato

(Crisis Garden photo – That’s not me in the pic and I dunno what all that green shit is)

I came across this website where the mofo’s sell what’s called a crisis garden. Look at it. See that shit. When like bombs and stuff starts falling you run off to New Jersey and start planting food to eat. The Crisis Garden Store gives you bags of seeds that you throw around and the shit produces nuclear size tomatoes and the green shit. You know it’s the green shit that everyone picks off the Whopper and doesn’t belong on a cheeseburger.

Anyway, with this crisis garden the problem is that me and my lady don’t eat that shit. We eat pizza and Chinese, and sometimes KFC. Well, a lot of KFC, especially my lady because she is finger lickin’ fine. Plus we sort of get it for under cost, because the pizza and the Chinese delivery guys hang out at our pad. So what the hell are we supposed to do if it really does hit the fan? We’re supposed to go somewhere and plant a mofo garden, and what the hell are we going to do with the pizza guy and the Chinese delivery guys. Bastards will probably follow us because it’s what they do. But what good will they be to us if there aren’t any more pizza or Chinese places. Will I have to learn their names? And I’ve seen the Chinese delivery guy do some whacked things. I mean, I can’t be responsible for him. I need to have one of those shirts that says: I’m not with the whacked Chinese guy.

We’re so f#$%ed!

I’m cracking open a 40 to think this over.

Now that I think about it, truth be told, the only food I really need is beer. It’s my old lady I worry about. She has a high metabolism. She can woof down a whole pie, a box of Dunkin’ Doughnuts and still be hungry. Shit! I forgot “Double Ds!” Can’t live without that shit. Damn. You see, if I was creative I would invent a Crisis Pizza and Chinese Garden. But I’m not. All I can say is thank god I got my lady. Our love is stronger than any apocalypse.

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